The Misadventures of Quinxy truths, lies, and everything in between!

4May/106

Peanuts (the comic): An Analysis of My Hatred

Peanuts (the comic) is the perfect storm of all my core hatreds.  I detest things which get grossly disproportionate attention.  I detest things which have no characters I can relate to.  I detest swishy jazz music (love dixie land, love Satchmo, like Ellington, hate those free form make-it-up-as-we-go stoned-out-of-our-gourd-but-our-audience-won't-notice).  Peanuts has wasted god knows how much printed page space for god knows how many years and elicited in its entire run sixteen and one half chuckles, four of those were from drunk people who were reading it upside down.  Charles Schultz made millions upon millions.  Newspapers paid millions upon millions.  And have you seen that "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" play?  I was forced to see it twice as a kid.  You know what happens in it?  Nothing.  You know what costumes they are wearing?  None!  Snoopy is just a dude, wearing a white shirt.  No dog mask.  No tail.  No barking.  And Charlie Brown is just a dude with that stupid yellow shirt with the zig zag.  Oh my god.  Make an effort, people.  That's what that sort of jazz does to you, that's who goes to see it!  And everyone on Peanuts sucks.  I love dogs.  But if Snoopy was a real dog I'd euthanize him with extreme prejudice.  I hate him worse than Scrappy Doo, and thinking about Scrappy Doo churns bile in my belly.  And who else is on that show? Bunch of little shits. You've got smelly guy, piano guy, psychiatrist girl, pull the football bitch.  I mean Linus was the only major character I didn't absolutely hate, but he was still pretty god damn smug about his smarts.  And all it is is swishy jazz, swishy jazz, swishy jazz.  When adults talk, when stuff happens, etc.  And what the fuck is with the WWI Snoopy cousin flashbacks with the flying doghouse?  Mother of god, get the damn dog some PTSD medication and treatment, he's been suffering for 90 freaking years now.  Anyway, that's the gist of why I hate it.  I could go on for hours, especially if I got drunk at a Peanuts-themed bar.  Ohhh..  And WTF is the name Peanuts for?  Name it Snoopy for god sake.  The good people of Hanna-Barbara didn't name their show Cashews when it was really about Scooby Doo.  What a pretensious asshole Charles Schultz was.  He and Hitler are the only good reasons I can think of for not curing mortality.  To think of an infinitude of time and space stuck with those two...  Ugh.

^Quinxy

Comments (6) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Hahahaha! I hate Snoopy so much that it gets in the way of what otherwise would have been an awesome, if not the best, nickname for me, being “Jo Cool.” But I do not want to be associated with that pathetic excuse for a dog and his army of rug-rats. Glad someone else hates Peanuts with such a passion.

    Love your writing. I hope to one day actually be able to make it to a Meetup!

  2. Only for Peanuts haters out there, As a Peanuts fan myself love that part Quinxy wrote that good ol’ Sparky was a pretensious asshole and he ever was, he should’ve read the bible more often properly, love the characters but it’s not funny, and yes I just don’t like Snoopy he’s a bad shameless Mickey Mouse wannabe I’m afraid I prefer when he talks, and not him as a pantomine fool.

  3. Can you please share with me what you love about Peanuts? I’m genuinely curious, I want to see it through your eyes for a moment. What do you find/feel with Peanuts you don’t with other cartoon strips?

  4. Amen, Peanuts is the worst comic/cartoon ever. I cannot stand it. I hate even worse the Metlife Commercials that jam it in your face

  5. Quinxy von Besiex, Snoopy rules and Lucy Van Pelt isn’t that bad either, why these were often named with Charlie Brown in the title I don’t know – they should have all been just Snoopy and Lucy cartoons and kept the rest of the gang out of it.

  6. I think I could agree to that. If I ever get a time machine and learn the art of persuasion I promise I’ll go back to the late 1940s and see what I can do.


Leave a comment

No trackbacks yet.