The Misadventures of Quinxy truths, lies, and everything in between!


Unrewarding Responsibility

As I approach my 40th birth I can't help but reflect on the folly of my having attempted to be a responsible human being.  All around me I see the irresponsible inheriting the Earth, delighting in its rewards, and it makes me feel rather foolish and rather sad, for all I've missed out on.

There are two primary areas where my attempt to be responsible has seemed grossly the wrong thing: having children and home ownership.

I have always strongly believed that being a parent is the most important thing one can do, and one should not do it until they are mentally and financially prepared.  No parent is ever perfect, nor perfectly prepared, but the child suffers for the flaws of their parents, so it seems only reasonable that one would minimize their negative impact on their children, while maximizing their positive impact.  And it seems only reasonable that one would wait until they were in a relationship likely to last forever before kids were even considered.  But all around me people flout these rules, with no ill effects that anyone seems to openly acknowledge.  The harm done to the children is discounted, ignored as though that harm was unavoidable, as though all children can expect to be harmed in one way or another, so what's the big deal?

I have some relatives and friends who've had multiple kids with different fathers, having chosen to form unstable relationships, having chosen to forgo effective contraception, having chosen to engage in no serious employment, and having chosen to continue using drugs and alcohol.  And while no doubt everyone might casually acknowledge some poor choices, all choose to focus instead on the joy of the existence of these children, and the "marvelous" job the mothers are doing despite the situations they've created, and the choices they continue to make.  And I mean no discredit against the positive things the mothers do, and I certainly mean nothing against the innocent children brought into the situation, I just can't help but feel selfishly frustrated by the inequity of it all.  That I, who would be a wonderful father, who has made many, many right decisions for a child's benefit, am denied that joy, that satisfaction, that comfort, that opportunity, etc. while others who have taken the role so much less seriously get all those wonderful things.  It feels so cruelly unfair.  Obviously there's no one to blame, other than perhaps myself, or perhaps the universe.  It is I who has chosen to obey a rule I accept as in a child's best interest, and it's the universe which has created the other rules by which we are all bound.

Far less emotionally significant, but certainly frustrating nonetheless, I can't help but remark that I who have tried to be responsible by not buying a house I couldn't afford with a loan I might not have been able to pay back, am deeply annoyed and feel hard done by that others who made reckless home ownership decisions based on bogus beliefs in the housing market and interest rates are receiving sympathy and financial assistance.  Why not help those who did the right and good thing, who did not place our nation and economy at risk selfishly?  I understand the need to prop up those who have gotten themselves into trouble, lest our economy collapse even further, but how tired I am of irresponsibility being effectively rewarded, and with the resources and sweat of those who did no wrong.

Ah well, that's my useless, self-indulgent gripe of the week.

^ Quinxy

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  1. Being responsible is good. Being TOO responsible is crippling.

    If you never have kids until you’re sure you can be the perfect parent, you’ll never have kids; if you never have kids until you’re sure you won’t screw them up, you’ll never have kids; if you never have kids until you’re sure you can give them the perfect life, you’ll never have kids.

    But you appear to realize this, and I get what you are saying about people who aren’t merely less-than-perfect, but willfully-and-unconcernedly imperfect. And I agree, those people drive me crazy. I keep wondering why or how they can not think about what they are doing…but of course if those people were thinking responsibly, they wouldn’t be making irresponsible choices.

    As to the housing thing…it wasn’t really a case of irresponsible home buyers getting in over their head. People were victimized by predatory loans from lenders: told things would be fine, but didn’t understand (or weren’t told about) variable interest rates (as an example). It is supposed to be the banks’ burden to screen out people who are bad risks, because they harm the bank. Instead, they aggressively pushed these loans on people and took on bad risks, which was legally fraud. For the banks to take loans they KNEW were bad, bundled together as mortgage-backed securities, and trade them on the stock market as super-safe investments was criminal fraud. *That’s* what collapsed the economy.

    One of my friends, who is a lawyer, pointed out that people don’t have the expertise to read or understand the fine print of real estate contracts, especially when he finds them difficult to analyze and confusing in many places. When a seemingly friendly expert assures you it will be OK and the payments seem like you can afford them, it is reasonable to believe them and do it.

    Basically, a whole lot of people were the victims of fraud; blaming them is blaming the victim for being conned.

    (However, it does mean YOU can now afford a ridiculously large and expensive house very cheaply.)

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